This week, someone from our Toastmaster’s meeting shared about depression and how she battles it day in and day out. This really amazed me because I guess I’ll never have the guts to admit it out loud in front of anyone. I’d rather sing with my awful voice, or be goofy or embarrass myself, but to admit that I am depressed in front of anyone would be very much against my creed because I hated admitting that I am being weak.
I am not sure if depression is what I am experiencing right now, but I did question my mental health these past days.
I know it has only been three weeks but it felt longer! It’s probably because I am always tired. During the first few weeks since Doods had his stroke, I simply can’t sleep. The only times I could was when I would tire myself from doing a day’s work or when I would cry until I my eyes are too tired to function. And when my body permits a lengthier than the usual 3 hour sleep, I get nightmares concerning Doods’ safety or mine. Several nights, I would dream not being able to breath and when I wake up, there will be several minutes when I am actually catching my breath. I would wake up feeling relieved that the nightmare is just a nightmare until I remember what happened to Doods and so I’ll be willing to take nightmare over reality anytime.
What scares me is how easily I get mad or irritated. I get defensive when people hinted that it’s Doods’ fault why he had a stroke; either from getting stressed too much or eating too much fatty foods. I get defensive when people say when he won’t be able to play football or even run again. I had episodes when I snap at people at home whenever they ask too much questions or tell me to do many things. And then I would hate myself more for being a brat.
I also feel like I’m losing my confidence. I limit my CR breaks in the office to avoid people. I walk head down, being careful not to catch anybody’s eyes because I’m just not in the mood to smile or say hi. It’s hard to find pride in the things that I do like work or
Being nice, being happy, and being positive take so much effort that I need to consciously remind myself to be the better person whenever I am interacting with other people. I never knew that telling myself to smile or tell happy stories can be such a chore! I just want to be sad all the time because it’s just so much easier. There are days when I would feel so much self pity that I would hate Doods for not even asking how I feel. L
To say the least, I think I am dealing with this whole ordeal better than I expected. I’ve had several coping mechanisms that somehow work. I think.
I’ve been praying more often now. Every time I feel a quiet and not so busy moment, I find myself praying.
To avoid idle time that will allow me to worry, I plan my day and weeks to come. Planning usually involves how to help Doods in any way. It makes me feel better knowing that I am doing something that will help his cause. I’m currently taking driving lessons and am looking at cars knowing that he might need a driver for a while.
To avoid sad thoughts, I read a lot. Since the stroke, I’ve finished five books in three weeks. This also helps in helping me sleep better. It feels nice going inside someone’s thoughts and actions, instead of being stuck in mine.
The good news is I’m running again. It’s not much of a comfort because the usual exhilaration I feel whenever I run is just not there, but I think trying to run again is a start. This is probably a huge step for me because my life feels more normal when I run or do some workout. I think starting to run as early as now will help me more in the long term.
My best comfort comes from writing. I have more diary entries than usual these days. Stories or thoughts that I would normally discuss with Doods are now documented. I also write inspiring and love related quotes and lyrics in the diary to make me feel better. I would also write several “AAAAAAAAAAHHHHSSS!!!!!!” and “AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHSSS” on a piece of paper when I feel like shouting. I write about pain and comfort, about despair and hope, about how I love everything my life right now and how I hate my life right now. I write many contradicting stuff that anyone who might read the diary would probably think that I am out of my mind. Which I might actually am. Like I said, I currently doubt my mental health.
I haven't had myself checked by a professional. I guess I don't need to. I feel normal most of the time. I guess I just need more time to go over this acceptance stage. Please do pray for me, though. Thank you!
What scares me is how easily I get mad or irritated. I get defensive when people hinted that it’s Doods’ fault why he had a stroke; either from getting stressed too much or eating too much fatty foods. I get defensive when people say when he won’t be able to play football or even run again. I had episodes when I snap at people at home whenever they ask too much questions or tell me to do many things. And then I would hate myself more for being a brat.
I also feel like I’m losing my confidence. I limit my CR breaks in the office to avoid people. I walk head down, being careful not to catch anybody’s eyes because I’m just not in the mood to smile or say hi. It’s hard to find pride in the things that I do like work or
Being nice, being happy, and being positive take so much effort that I need to consciously remind myself to be the better person whenever I am interacting with other people. I never knew that telling myself to smile or tell happy stories can be such a chore! I just want to be sad all the time because it’s just so much easier. There are days when I would feel so much self pity that I would hate Doods for not even asking how I feel. L
To say the least, I think I am dealing with this whole ordeal better than I expected. I’ve had several coping mechanisms that somehow work. I think.
I’ve been praying more often now. Every time I feel a quiet and not so busy moment, I find myself praying.
To avoid idle time that will allow me to worry, I plan my day and weeks to come. Planning usually involves how to help Doods in any way. It makes me feel better knowing that I am doing something that will help his cause. I’m currently taking driving lessons and am looking at cars knowing that he might need a driver for a while.
To avoid sad thoughts, I read a lot. Since the stroke, I’ve finished five books in three weeks. This also helps in helping me sleep better. It feels nice going inside someone’s thoughts and actions, instead of being stuck in mine.
The good news is I’m running again. It’s not much of a comfort because the usual exhilaration I feel whenever I run is just not there, but I think trying to run again is a start. This is probably a huge step for me because my life feels more normal when I run or do some workout. I think starting to run as early as now will help me more in the long term.
My best comfort comes from writing. I have more diary entries than usual these days. Stories or thoughts that I would normally discuss with Doods are now documented. I also write inspiring and love related quotes and lyrics in the diary to make me feel better. I would also write several “AAAAAAAAAAHHHHSSS!!!!!!” and “AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHSSS” on a piece of paper when I feel like shouting. I write about pain and comfort, about despair and hope, about how I love everything my life right now and how I hate my life right now. I write many contradicting stuff that anyone who might read the diary would probably think that I am out of my mind. Which I might actually am. Like I said, I currently doubt my mental health.
I haven't had myself checked by a professional. I guess I don't need to. I feel normal most of the time. I guess I just need more time to go over this acceptance stage. Please do pray for me, though. Thank you!